Beyond the wheel – when the quadrants ‘go bad’

In the diagram of the Wheel Of Consent there is a circle around the whole thing.

Inside the circle, we have an agreement and the agreement creates a gift from one person to the other.

Ideally we want to be inside the circle, but it is possible to be outside the circle.

Outside the circle the same dynamic is happening but without consent. You have the action component but not the gift component.

It’s ‘the quadrants gone bad’ – recognition that the same or similar dynamics can show up in ways that are not helpful, not a gift, not joyful.

No-one is exempt from this.

For example, if you can’t stand solidly in Taking (which is receiving a gift), you become sneaky, coercive, or a bully, trying to get something without acknowledging it or taking something from someone without noticing you are.

Don’t beat yourself up for this. These are adaptive behaviors for getting our needs met. We learned as children that it wasn’t safe to ask for what we wanted, so we learned to sneak, manipulate, and more to meet our needs.

Being inside the circle requires that you learn how to be honest and vulnerable about what you want. That enables you to have your real needs met. When your real needs are met, you don’t resort to stealing, passivity, or violence.

The muddy zone

There is a muddy zone at the edge of each quadrant – not quite inside the circle but not outside it either.

Everybody’s been here.

You don’t say no, but you don’t say yes either. It’s not a full-hearted gift but neither do you object. It’s going along because you can’t be bothered to say no, you don’t know how NOT TO go along, you’re trying to be nice, or you’re overwhelmed.

Or you don’t ask. You try something and see if it ‘works’, or you put a little pressure on but not too much. You don’t know how to ask so you assume it’s okay unless someone strongly objects.

Discussion of the muddy zone is controversial. On the one hand, you have responsibility for asking and for saying yes or no. Oh the other hand, there is the fact of overwhelm and freeze states and the influence of one person having more power in the situation.

The muddy zone acknowledges that there are situations in which it’s not clear. The muddy zones turn out to be important, because it’s often where we blame ourselves or others, rightly or wrongly.

If you can’t see the circle

If you could stand in the center of the Wheel and look out toward the edge, you’d see inside the circle and outside it.

If you can’t see the circle you can’t see that inside the circle there is a gift freely given to you.

If you can’t see the circle you stand at the center of Taking and look out, the entire quadrant looks like abuse and assault.

If you look out at Allowing and don’t see the circle, all you see is victimhood, passivity, and dread. It all looks terrible Who’d want to go there?

The clearer you get about consent, the space outside the circle grows more abhorrent, and the space inside the circle becomes more joyful.

More important, you get clearer on when you are stepping outside of it or dabbling in the muddy zone.

This is where the Wheel becomes a spiritual path.

Adapted from: The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, by Betty Martin with Robyn Dalzen