Giving – how to do it well

Many of us enjoy giving to others.

But here’s the thing: how often do you ask what the other person wants?

If not, then to put it plainly, you can’t give it to them.

Sometimes you can guess, based on previous experiences, and knowing what the other person has wanted, or enjoyed before…

But what happens when you guess wrong, and the other person doesn’t want what you are giving, and you are disappointed by their reaction?

Then who was it really for? Were you really giving?

Good intentions without consent can accidentally turn into pressure

When, instead of checking in, we guess at what the other person wants, we’re not really giving - we’re acting from our own idea of what should land. You can genuinely mean well… and still be giving something the other person didn’t ask for (or doesn’t want).

You might think your intention to give absolves you of the responsibility to communicate.

But it doesn’t.

Communication is always needed in order to arrive at consent together.

Giving also requires doing two things at once

You need to set aside what you prefer in favor of what your partner wants.

AND you need to keep responsible for your limits.

Neither one alone is enough.

Giving is not all or nothing. You get to choose how much you give.

Next time you give something

Instead of jumping straight into doing, or assuming, try asking one of these questions:

• If you’re feeling open and generous: “What would feel good/helpful for you right now?”
• If there’s something specific you want to offer: “I’m available for X – is that something you’d like?”

Asking the question is where consent begins.

With extracts adapted from: The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, by Betty Martin with Robyn Dalzen