Limits – why they are important, and how they’re different from limitations

Limitation: something you are unable to do, a condition of limited ability, a defect or a failing. For example, “He knew his limitations better than he knew his worth”.

Limit: What you are willing or not willing to participate in or the extent to which you are willing to give or allow. “I’m wiling to give this much but not more”, or “Yes you can explore my legs, up to here”, or “No, I’m not okay with that”.

A limit is a choice about activity. It is what you are willing to participate in and what you are not.

A limit is your no.

You have some limits you will not do at all, for anyone, ever, and other things you are available for depending on who it is, what the situation is, or how tired you are. You might set a limit today and change it tomorrow or five minutes from now.

Limits change and this is a good thing. For example, you might be happy hugging almost anyone most of the time, - except when you’re not. Your boundary hasn’t changed (owning your body), but your limit has (when to hug).

The distinction between limits and limitations is crucial. If you confuse them, you think that having a limit is a failing or a defect. That is a dangerous idea. You think that you would allow that thing if only you were more enlightened or adventurous, and it sets you up to push yourself to allow more than you are genuinely happy to give.

The stronger the sense you have of what you have a right to and a responsibility for (such as your body, your desires, your feelings) the more responsibility you take for your limits - and then your limits can become flexible.

Flexible means the ability to respond to change and still take responsibility for yourself. To know you are able to choose and communicate. This is not the same as being a pushover.

Adapted from: The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, by Betty Martin with Robyn Dalzen