The art of healthy and responsible Taking

We talk a lot about how to be a good Giver. Let’s talk about Taking. How can you become a healthy and responsible Taker?

When we think about consent and Taking, it is usually flavored with ideas of coercion or someone being selfish and pushy.

But in the Wheel of Consent we learn that Taking is also the quadrant that liberates you.

It recovers a fundamental human capacity. You learn to touch another person based on your interest and curiosity without trying to give to them.

The most important thing to know about Taking is that it is receiving a gift.

The gift you are receiving is access.

In Taking, you have asked permission to touch someone the way you want, and they have agreed.

Taking combines doing and receiving. The action moves from you to them, but the gift moves from them to you.

Taking is not stealing, groping, taking advantage of, or taking over. It is not being pushy, demanding, or entitled.

It is not doing whatever you want regardless of the other person, nor is it giving in the way you “want to give”.

The key to developing the skill of healthy Taking is learning to become trustworthy that you will not step over your Allower’s limits.

When you begin to trust yourself, you can relax and receive the gift.

“Healthy Taking” develops integrity, because you no longer have to pretend you are giving!

Learning to be a responsible Taker in this regard is a crucial step in learning consent skills. It requires you to be honest with yourself about what you want to do to/with someone else - and that what you want is for you, not them.

The other person may say yes, or negotiate limits to their yes, or maybe they’ll say no.

As a responsible Taker, it’s also your job to honor the gift of access you are being given - including the boundaries of your partner.

You might think that getting good at Taking means you get good at grabbing anything and everything.

The opposite is true: you get good at respecting others’ limits and choices.

As a responsible Taker, you are able to trust that what you want is valid and ask for it without being attached to it.

From: The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, by Betty Martin with Robyn Dalzen